Once in a while you find yourself fascinated by something neither you can explain or your friends can relate with. In this situation, the only thing to do is keep walking towards that bright shiny thing that caught your attention and hope your social circles won’t roll their eyes at this latest interest which only adds to the kaleidoscope of your eclectic awesomeness.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, tonight I attended a professional wrestling event alone as a single lady. (I was also wearing a dress but that was an accident.) In case you find yourself in this same situation, here are some things you can expect.
– Everyone is your friend and it’s easy to fit in. When you’re in a room full of wrestling fans, you become part of a fabric that is woven together by camaraderie against bad guys, custom chants, and outspoken trash talk. It’s also really cathartic to yell “BOOOOO!” out loud in public.
Usually, the more popular wrestlers have their own signature sayings or chants. You can’t know them all as a newbie, so just wait four seconds and you’ll pick it up. The reigning WWE champion, CM Punk (right), has a tagline of “Best In The World” so that’s what you exclaim to the high heavens when he enters the ring. At the event I was at tonight, WWE NXT wrestler Kassius Ohno (below) who has long dirty blonde hair and a goatie was nicknamed “Jesus” by the crowd so midway through his first match everyone was chanting “Walk! On! Water!” but I doubt Real Jesus would ever adorn a speedo and knee pads.
Trash talk is how you instantly bond with your bleacher brethren. Victims include the performers, announcers, whoever turned off the lights, and even the CD that skips during someone’s walk-on music. You’ll notice the reserved younger guy to your left is really good at accents and poses as the wrestler’s inner voice so that keeps you laughing. The group behind you follows the story lines closely so they’ll fill you in on who has beef with who and the injuries so then you can wince with intent for when that soft spot gets hurt again. Meanwhile, you’ll contribute by offering sassy commentary on the outfits or keeping a look out for the security guard who wants everyone to put their phone away.
– All the thighs. There are tan thighs, really muscular thighs, and sort of hairy thighs. The standard get up is a speedo, knee pads, and often lace up shoes that meet the knee. This all means maximum thigh exposure. Have I said “thighs” enough yet? Thighs. Other professional sports have men covering this often neglected machorotic zone. Yeah, they wear small uniforms in swimming and track but in both of those competitions their goal is speed and you don’t have the option for a good, quality look. Hey, they are there to show-off so I’m allowed appreciate it.
– Acrobatic moves. Setting aside the whole “It’s scripted!” and “It’s not real!”, you can’t fake jumping off the corner of a ring, catching air, and landing on someones chest. Same thing goes for falling off of things and slaps that you can hear from all the way in the back of the stands. It’s entertainment, it’s live, and there’s no splash zone.
Basically, you won’t feel alone because a wrestling crowd will make you feel welcome. Bonus points for strong and bronzed men who look like the cover of a romance novel running around in something that would otherwise only be acceptable on the French Riviera.