Chris Kluwe is a professional football player as a punter for the Minnesota Vikings. Off the field, he wins all the points in the game of life because not only is he an athlete but an advocate, savante, and the kind of friend you’d want to hang out with all the time. Heads up, I don’t know the guy in real life or even as an Internet acquaintance (yet), so here’s a selection of some tweets to get to know him better and how it would go down if we hung out because dreams can come true sometimes.
First off, Kluwe wrote a letter addressed to a homophobe that deserves all the applause it can get. You can read it here on Deadspin. He followed up on Twitter to share his gratitude because that’s what friendly people do.
So this is how I imagine hanging out with Chris Kluwe will be like. Something low key, like sitting around and maybe watching Sharkweek.
Then maybe make some drinks with whatever is liquor is laying around the house.
After clumsily pouring a mixed drink together, the phrase “YOLO” slips and you shyly divert eye contact, cursing yourself for being so juvenile around someone who scored a perfect score on the verbal section of the S.A.T’s. Since he’s so great, he will rebound the awkward moment with an insightful quip to make you feel better.
You have a good chuckle about it and say YOLO again a few times in different voices to make it feel trivial and as you go to wash the casserole dish you brought some Buffalo Chicken Dip in, he interjects that he got this round because he is the best kind of BFF.
He starts talking about books and you realize your friend is a professional athlete that reads all the time and you start to feel like a little bit of a slacker in comparison.
He’s in a band, too. How much of a slacker do you feel like now?
Alright, this is exhausting. Tomorrow you’re going to sign up for a personal trainer, book club, life coach, music lessons, and a GameStop membership to keep up. But he won’t let you go home with one last deep thought.
In conclusion, I think I’m ready to be BFF with Chris Kluwe. But that’s all, the man is married with children. I’m not creepy I promise, I have 602 friends on Facebook who can vouch for me.